Dancing Elephants
by Eternal Headache
Summary: John comes back from a mission more than a little...loopy.


Colonel Carter stood before the shimmering gate, patiently waiting to greet Colonel Sheppard and his team as they returned from their latest mission. Ronon was the first to step through, an odd little grin on his lips. Next came Teyla, a wary expression in her eyes as she looked first at Sam and then back to the gate. Sam frowned slightly, wondering about the looks, but before she could say anything, Colonel Sheppard, supported by Rodney and Major Lorne appeared. Colonel Sheppard's head was hanging down, as if he were unconscious or too weak to hold it up.

Alarm shot through her. No one had said anything about injuries! "Major!" she exclaimed, stepping forward. "What happened?"

Major Lorne opened his mouth to reply, only to be interrupted by Sheppard's head shooting up, causing Sam to take a startled step back. John's eyes were as wide as dinner plates and an equally large grin was on his lips. "Colonel!" he exclaimed. "Have I ever told you that I just *love* a woman with multi-colored eyes and bright pink hair? It's fantastic and you really pull it off well!"

Sam stared at John in surprise, then looked at Lorne. "Major?"

Lorne, looking like he was struggling to keep from laughing, said, "In a nutshell, ma'am, he's as high as kite."

"More like as high as the stratosphere," Rodney interjected, looking amused and annoyed at the same time.

"He ate some kind of mind altering pepper," Lorne continued. "Litanus Peppers," he added with a quick glance at Teyla for confirmation.

"I see," Sam murmured, her gaze moving back to John, who continued to grin stupidly at her. "Maybe you should take him to the infirmary then. Make sure he'll be okay."

Lorne nodded. "Yes, ma'am."

They started to guide John away but only managed a couple of steps before the blitzed colonel exclaimed, "Wait!" He got one of his arms free and reached out, grabbing Sam's arm. "Watch out for the dancing elephants, colonel," he said, his tone filled with serious warning. "Sneaky little bastards mesmerize you with their dancing, then run off with your pants!" He let go and wagged a finger at her. "But I'm onto them. They didn't get *my* pants, no siree ma'am!"

Sam raised an eyebrow, then nodded in an attempt to humor him. "Thank you for the warning, John. Now why don't you go visit the infirmary with Major Lorne."

John blinked, then looked at Lorne. "Why? Are you sick?"

Lorne shook his head. "No, sir, but dr. Keller wants a word with you about the dancing elephants."

John blinked again. "She does?"

"Oh yeah, she wants to hear all about them."

John paused, glanced around, then said, "Well, what are we waiting for? Let's get over there!"

Lorne nodded, tossed a look at Sam, then he and a medic who had appeared out of nowhere guided John away. Before they disappeared, John could be heard telling Lorne that he would look fabulous in a bright purple mohawk. Sam, managing to keep herself from chuckling, turned her attention to the remaining three, her gaze zeroing in on the wicked smirk Ronon wore. "You want to explain that?"

Ronon shrugged. "I told him what would happen if he ate them."

"And then promptly dared him to eat them," Rodney said, rolling his eyes.

"Hey, not my fault if the man can't resist a dare."

"Oh please," Teyla spoke up, giving Ronon a disapproving look. "You told him that those who possessed strong will and body could resist the effects, which you know perfectly well isn't true."

Ronon shrugged again, the wicked smirk returning as he held up a video camera. "Maybe next time he'll think twice about super gluing my ass to a chair," he said, then turned and walked away, heading in the direction of the infirmary to secure more blackmail footage.

The trio he left behind stared after him in surprise. After a moment, Teyla said, "I believe there is lesson here. Never mess with a Setedan who has a video camera and a sense of humor more devious than your own."

"Tell that to John," Sam murmured, then turned to head back to her office.

Dancing elephants indeed.

END


End file.
